How can I get myself to try new, desirable behaviors?

Answer: Try the “Just do it one time” game.


To play:

1. Draw up a list of 10 desirable behaviors you rarely do and that you could do multiple times a day.

2. Look for a chance to do each of these behaviors at least once before you go to bed.

3. Tick off each behavior as you do it.

4. Repeat this exercise each day for a week.

Hopefully, by the end of the week these rare behaviors will feel more familiar for you.

Some examples of possible desirable but rare behaviors:

1. Run up the stairs instead of walking.

2. Wait 3 seconds before replying to someone to make sure the other person has finished talking and to think more about what to say.

3. Be “fully present” for the first 3 minutes of a conversation with someone.

4. Don’t eat everything on your plate; instead, throw the last bit away or feed it to the dog!

5. Wash your mouth out with Listerine for 15 seconds.

6. Eat a handful of beans before eating what you want to eat.

7. Do “mindful listening” at your desk for 1 minute, where you close your eyes and listen attentively to all the sounds you can hear.

8. Be”mindful” while eating something.

9. Express your appreciation, admiration or affection to someone.

10. Say something empathic to yourself when you catch yourself feeling upset about something.

11. Savor every bite of something you eat.

12. Do some neck stretches for a minute.

13. Wash hands for an extra-long time.

14. Check posture while walking or sitting.

Just think up 10 simple things like that–things that are easy to do and good habits to get into, once you do them enough to break the ice with them, or as  Edward de Bono says, “getting over the edge”.

How can I improve?

Answer: Engage a coach to take you through the four stages of mastery.

Atul Gawande explains how in this 3-minute video: Do Surgeons Need Coaches?

Atul Gawande: Coaching and the Four Stages of Mastery from The New Yorker on FORA.tv

How can I break a bad habit?

Answer: Practice vigilant monitoring, keeping your attention on your unwanted behavior to make sure you don’t slip.

.

Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2010 Apr;36(4):499-511.

Can’t control yourself? Monitor those bad habits.

.

Abstract

What strategies can people use to control unwanted habits? Past work has focused on controlling other kinds of automatic impulses, especially temptations. The nature of habit cuing calls for certain self-control strategies. Because the slow-to-change memory trace of habits is not amenable to change or reinterpretation, successful habit control involves inhibiting the unwanted response when activated in memory. In support, two episode-sampling diary studies demonstrated that bad habits, unlike responses to temptations, were controlled most effectively through spontaneous use of vigilant monitoring (thinking “don’t do it,” watching carefully for slipups). No other strategy was useful in controlling strong habits, despite that stimulus control was effective at inhibiting responses to temptations. A subsequent experiment showed that vigilant monitoring aids habit control, not by changing the strength of the habit memory trace but by heightening inhibitory, cognitive control processes. The implications of these findings for behavior change interventions are discussed.

How can I successfully change my behavior?

Answer: Avoid these 10 proven mistakes:



I can think of some more possible mistakes:

1. not writing down our goal, detailing all the nitty-gritty how and when and with whom and where and what, etc.

2. Not mentally rehearsing the desired behavior, especially for avoidance behaviors.

3. Not setting mini-goal targets (e.g. do it once, three times, 10 times, 30 times, etc.)

4. Not using a checklist to check whether we’ve remembered to do it.

How can I get a book full of good ideas to change my behavior?

Answer: Try these ideas:

Step 1. When you’ve finished reading the book,  skim through it again, searching for up to 20  key ideas you’d like to incorporate  into your life.

For example, here are the 20 key ideas from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that I’d like to incorporate into my life:

  1. Be proactive
  2. Begin with the end in mind
  3. Put first things first
  4. Think win/win
  5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood
  6. Synergize
  7. Spend one hour/day sharpening the saw
  8. Watch the P/PC balance
  9. Make deposits into emotional bank account
  10. Focus on my circle of influence
  11. Use the  space between stimulus and response
  12. Develop a strong inner core of guiding principles
  13. Love is a doing word
  14. Trigger upward spirals
  15. Explore interdependence
  16. Keep promise to self and others
  17. Write and follow personal mission statement
  18. Do Quadrant 2 (important but not urgent) things
  19. Adopt abundance mentality
  20. Value the differences

(Note: Because I read the book carefully, these seemingly vague abstractions are rich in meaning for me now. Therefore, I only need to use a few words  to remind myself of these content-rich ideas.)

Step 2. Now memorize your list.

Once you’ve finished reading a book, you’ll probably not look at it again for a long, long time, if at all.  If these 20 key ideas are going to have any chance of changing your behavior, you’re going to have to plant them safely into your long-term memory.  If you can’t remember what they are, they can’t change your life!

What is the best way to memorize these 20 key ideas? Rote-learn them! Test yourself each day, maybe even test yourself several times a day to start with. It only takes a couple of minutes to whizz through 20 items in your mind.

Identify the items you usually forget and spend extra time learning these. Use whatever rote-learning methods work  for you.  I find the  peg method works brilliantly for me  in this instance. This is how I do it:

  1. For each letter of the alphabet, I think of a person I know well whose name begins with that letter.  For instance:
    A = Alice
    B = Bruce
    C = Christian
    D = Dad
    E = Eleanor, etc
  2. Each of my 20 key ideas gets paired to the  person corresponding to the idea’s number ranking (e.g. idea 1 gets A=Alice).   I form a rich mental picture in my mind that somehow combines each idea to its person.

    For instance, the idea “Be proactive” gets paired with Alice.  I form a rich mental picture of my daughter Alice being very proactive in lots of ways. (This one’s easy as Alice is naturally proactive.)

    Similarly, the next idea “Begin with end in mind” gets Bruce, my Father-in-Law. Bruce is prone to being pessimistic so I imagine him coming up with  gloomy, bad endings to everything.The idea “First things first” gets paired  with Christian.

    Christian travels a lot so would be often packing his suitcase; I imagine him putting the  most important things in his case first… and so on.

    To recall my 20 key ideas, I simply recall each person and wait to see what image flashes into my mind.  If all goes well,  I will see Alice being amazingly proactive and Bruce imagining bad endings and Christian putting important things into his suitcase first. And then it’s an easy step from that recalled image to the actual key idea  represented by that image.

    This peg technique is fun, easy to do  and almost miraculous is its effectiveness. It’s so much easier than trying to drag 20 unrelated items out of my memory randomly. I’ve tried that enough times, and it hurts!

Step 3. There are lots more steps to getting good ideas in a book to change our lives forever. I’ll talk about those ideas  soon.