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How can I love others well?

December 11, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Answer: To love others well, you have to behave like Bob Marley’s perfect love partner!

What love looks like, according to Bob Marley:

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.

You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again.

Colours seem brighter and more brilliant.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do.

Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.

Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

We all want what Bob Marley wants, buts are we able to give it?

Filed Under: friends, how to be a good friend, social Tagged With: , , ,

Are you a bad friend? Are your friends bad friends to you?

May 27, 2011 by Leave a Comment

In her book When Friendship Hurts Jan Yager describes 21 types of bad friends:

  • The Promise Breaker Constantly disappoints you or breaks promises
  • The Taker Borrows and fails to return something precious or valuable to you.
  • The Double-Crosser Betrays you big time
  • The Risk Taker Puts you in harm’s way because of illegal or dangerous behavior
  • The Self-Absorbed Never has time to listen to you
  • The Cheat Lies, or steals your romantic partner
  • The Discloser Betrays your confidence
  • The Competitor Excessively combative with you and wants what you have relationships, job, possessions
  • The One-Upper Always one up on you
  • The Rival Wants whatever you have and may try to take it from you
  • The Faultfinder Overly critical
  • The Downer Always negative, critical, and sad, and makes you feel that way too.
  • The Rejecter Dislikes you and lets you know it
  • The Abuser Verbally, physically, or sexually abuses you
  • The Loner Would rather be alone than with a friend
  • The Blood Sucker Overly dependent
  • The Therapist Needs to analyze everything and give you advice
  • The Interloper Overly involved in your life
  • The Copy Cat Imitates you
  • The Controller Needs to dominate you or the friendship
  • The Caretaker Needs to be a friend’s keeper, mother or nursemaid, rather than an equal.

    • Questions: 

    1. Can you spot any of these behaviours in your friends  (and family)?
    2. What are effective ways to deal with these bad behaviours — apart from giving up on the relationship, which might be wonderful in lots of other ways?
    3. How do you think your friends and family would describe your types of behaviour?
    4.  What do you think is your biggest fault on this list?
    5. What other toxic types of behaviour can you think of that aren’t on this list?

    My answers:

    I hate doing these exercises as I always reckon I am always everything — good and  bad! If I were brutally honest, I’d have to say that , on occasion, I do a very good:

    • Caretaker
    • Controller
    • Therapist
    • Blood Sucker
    • Downer
    • Faultfinder
    • Discloser
    • Competitor
    • Self-Absorbed 
    • Promise-Breaker 

    Wow — that’s a sickeningly long list! 

    And my worst fault? Probably Therapist! I am a notorious advice-giver (accompanied by keen fault-finder!)

    Other bad behaviours not mentioned in  JanYager’s list? 

    • The other sort of Taker — the friend who takes more than they give back in the friendship
    • The Uncommitted  — the friend with such a fear of commitment that he or she won’t even admit that your friends!
    • The Doormat — the friend who puts herself or himself down in the relationship and adopts the subservient “whatever you want  is fine with me” role
    • The Drama Queen —  the friend who complains  dramatically of all the disasters that strike them almost on a daily basis
    • The Scaredy Cat — the friend who is too fearful and anxious to try new things
    • The Volatile Mood-Swinger – the friend whose moods change  more often than their clothes
    • The Hyper-Sensitive Flower — the friend who takes offence at the tiniest and most surprising things and crushes under the mildest of rebukes.
    • The Super-Private Non-Discloser — the friend who finds it difficult to share personal stuff and to “let you in”.
    • The Insensitive One – the friend who stomps all over your feelings
    • The Dream-Killer — the friend who offers you no support or encouragement and may even try to talk you out of pursuing your dreams
    • The Dullard — the friend who never seems to try anything new or to have opinions about things or exciting ideas they want to share
    • The Zealot — the friend who is passionately fired up about their latest cause and talks of nothing else
    • The Boaster — the friend who is always slipping into the conversation details of their latest exploit or  purchase of  their latest”big-boy toy” or doing some serious name-dropping.

    Wow! We’re up to 34 bad behaviours already!

     We human beings are all so terribly messed up, aren’t we? It’s hard enough putting up with ourselves without expecting others to put up with us as well!

    Filed Under: friends, how to be a bad friend, social