In her book When Friendship Hurts Jan Yager describes 21 types of bad friends:
The Promise Breaker Constantly disappoints you or breaks promises The Taker Borrows and fails to return something precious or valuable to you. The Double-Crosser Betrays you big time The Risk Taker Puts you in harm’s way because of illegal or dangerous behavior The Self-Absorbed Never has time to listen to you The Cheat Lies, or steals your romantic partner The Discloser Betrays your confidence The Competitor Excessively combative with you and wants what you have relationships, job, possessions The One-Upper Always one up on you The Rival Wants whatever you have and may try to take it from you The Faultfinder Overly critical The Downer Always negative, critical, and sad, and makes you feel that way too. The Rejecter Dislikes you and lets you know it The Abuser Verbally, physically, or sexually abuses you The Loner Would rather be alone than with a friend The Blood Sucker Overly dependent The Therapist Needs to analyze everything and give you advice The Interloper Overly involved in your life The Copy Cat Imitates you The Controller Needs to dominate you or the friendship The Caretaker Needs to be a friend’s keeper, mother or nursemaid, rather than an equal.
Questions:
- Can you spot any of these behaviours in your friends (and family)?
- What are effective ways to deal with these bad behaviours — apart from giving up on the relationship, which might be wonderful in lots of other ways?
- How do you think your friends and family would describe your types of behaviour?
- What do you think is your biggest fault on this list?
- What other toxic types of behaviour can you think of that aren’t on this list?
My answers:
I hate doing these exercises as I always reckon I am always everything — good and bad! If I were brutally honest, I’d have to say that , on occasion, I do a very good:
- Caretaker
- Controller
- Therapist
- Blood Sucker
- Downer
- Faultfinder
- Discloser
- Competitor
- Self-Absorbed
- Promise-Breaker
Wow — that’s a sickeningly long list!
And my worst fault? Probably Therapist! I am a notorious advice-giver (accompanied by keen fault-finder!)
Other bad behaviours not mentioned in JanYager’s list?
- The other sort of Taker — the friend who takes more than they give back in the friendship
- The Uncommitted — the friend with such a fear of commitment that he or she won’t even admit that your friends!
- The Doormat — the friend who puts herself or himself down in the relationship and adopts the subservient “whatever you want is fine with me” role
- The Drama Queen — the friend who complains dramatically of all the disasters that strike them almost on a daily basis
- The Scaredy Cat — the friend who is too fearful and anxious to try new things
- The Volatile Mood-Swinger – the friend whose moods change more often than their clothes
- The Hyper-Sensitive Flower — the friend who takes offence at the tiniest and most surprising things and crushes under the mildest of rebukes.
- The Super-Private Non-Discloser — the friend who finds it difficult to share personal stuff and to “let you in”.
- The Insensitive One – the friend who stomps all over your feelings
- The Dream-Killer — the friend who offers you no support or encouragement and may even try to talk you out of pursuing your dreams
- The Dullard — the friend who never seems to try anything new or to have opinions about things or exciting ideas they want to share
- The Zealot — the friend who is passionately fired up about their latest cause and talks of nothing else
- The Boaster — the friend who is always slipping into the conversation details of their latest exploit or purchase of their latest”big-boy toy” or doing some serious name-dropping.
Wow! We’re up to 34 bad behaviours already!
We human beings are all so terribly messed up, aren’t we? It’s hard enough putting up with ourselves without expecting others to put up with us as well!
