How can I be a better conversationalist?

Answer:  Try to make everyone you speak to feel personally addressed.

In his Vanity Fair essay, Unspoken Truths, Christopher Hitchens wrote:

To my writing classes I used later to open by saying that anybody who could talk could also write. Having cheered them up with this easy-to-grasp ladder, I then replaced it with a huge and loathsome snake: “How many people in this class, would you say, can talk? I mean really talk?” That had its duly woeful effect. . .

The most satisfying compliment a reader can pay is to tell me that he or she feels personally addressed. Think of your own favorite authors and see if that isn’t precisely one of the things that engage you, often at first without your noticing it. A good conversation is the only human equivalent: the realizing that decent points are being made and understood, that irony is in play, and elaboration, and that a dull or obvious remark would be almost physically hurtful.

Interesting.  Hitchens was a brilliant speaker and writer. I wonder if anywhere in his writings he left instructions on how we could become better conversationalists?

Here;s a short video where he gives advice to would-be writers (and conversationalists):

What are some questions to ask that others would love to answer?

Answer: “Charlie, what one word accounts for your remarkable success in life?”

Charlie Munger, the other half of the Buffett-Munger Berkshire Hathaway genius investment team, vouches for that one!


Charlie Munger said a beautiful woman sitting next to him at a dinner asked him that:

“I knew I was being manipulated and that she’d done this before, and I just loved it. I mean I never see this woman without a little lift in my spirits. And by the way, I told her I was rational. You’ll have to be the judge of whether that’s true!”

from a lecture entitled The Psychology of Human Misjudgment by Charlie Munger to the Harvard Law School in 1995)

How can I improve my conversational skills?

Answer: State your opinions gently rather than dogmatically.

In How to Have a Beautiful Mind, de Bono advises us to replace “sweeping generalizations with less absolute statements” and gives this example:

Sweeping generalization: All sex offenders should be castrated.

Softened version: There may be a place for investigating hormonal treatment of some sex offenders. (p 63)

How can I artfully change the direction of the conversation?

Answer: When you hear an opening in the conversation you’d like to explore further, say “Now that is interesting.” Then say why you think it is interesting.

This is another Edward de Bono conversational tip.  He says:

You need to get into the habit of saying: ‘Now that is interesting.”

Once you are ready to use that phrases you can now direct the phrase at anything that comes up in the conversation. . . It is like having a bow and a quiver full of arrows. At any moment you aim your arrow at a particular  point and let fly: “Now that is interesting.”

You will need to explain why you find that point interesting.

How can I improve my conversational skills?

Answer: Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable!

How to disagree aggressively:

You are just stupid.

That is the silliest thing I have heard in a long time.

That is wrong.

That is poor logic.

I disagree with everything you have said.

How stupid can you be?

How to disagree more gently but still firmly voicing your disagreement:

I am not sure I follow your reasoning.

There may be another way of looking at it.

That is only one point of view.

How about this other possibility?

I think I have some doubts about your conclusion.

Maybe that is so, and maybe it is not so.

I can think of an alternative explanation.

My experience in working with young offenders is obviously not the same as yours. I found that. . .

(These good and bad examples are from Edward de Bono’s book How to Have a Beautiful Mind, p 14-15.)

Try gently spelling out the two differences in opinion, or spell out the reasons for the difference in opinion:

I think that raising prices will increase sales. You think that raising prices will reduce sales.

I believe that ‘thinking’ can be taught directly as a skill in school. You believe that you cannot teach thinking directly but can only pick up good thinking habits through studying other subjects.

You believe that severe punishment is the best way to control crime in all cases. I believe that giving youngsters an alternative way of sensing achievement will reduce crime amongst the young.

I believe you are looking at it from that point of view (specify). . . and I am looking at it from this point of view (specify). . .

We are looking at it in two different ways. This is my perception (specify)… and I believe your perception to be (specify). . .

The difference may just arise from personal preference. You like clever people and I prefer charming people.

We are using two sets of values. My values are as follows (specify). . . Your values seem to be (specify). . .

(from How to Have a Beautiful Mind by Edward de Bono, p 34- 35)


If all else fails and the discussion turn a bit testy, then smile and gently say:

“I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this point.”

President Obama demonstrating being a good model for “disagreeing without being disagreeable”:

How can I improve my conversational skills?

Answer:  Learn to agree with what the other person is saying more often.

I don’t think we realize how often we disagree with the other person in conversation.

In his book on good conversational skills, How to Have a Beautiful Mind, Edward de Bono writes:

To have a beautiful mind you must genuinely seek to find points of agreement with the person with whom you are talking. Surprisingly, this is the most difficult aspect of all.

It is so difficult because the agreement must be genuine and not just sycophantic pretense. It is difficult because the motivation to do this is contrary to most people’s natural inclinations.

We can look at two extremes of agreement and disagreement:

You are so right. . .

I agree with everything you say. . .

I completely agree with you. . .

Absolutely right. . .

I agree one hundred percent. . .

If you agree with everything, there is not much of a discussion. . . The other person might as well be giving a lecture. Nice as it may sound, your contribution is not very significant.

Then there is the other extreme:

Yes, but. . .

I totally disagree. . .

You are wrong there. . .

That is not so. . .

This is the person who makes a point of disagreeing with everything that is said. This highly argumentative person seeks to demonstrate superiority through disagreement. Too often, academics or highly educated people behave in this manner because they have been encouraged to do so. This type of mind is intensely irritating and is far from being a beautiful mind.

You need to be somewhere between these two extremes. (How to Have a Beautiful Mind, p 4)

Related to the need to  disagree with the other person all the time is the need to be right. Edward de Bono wrties:

This is very much tied up with the ego. An argument is a battle between the egos. When you agree you seem to be submitting to the other point of view–so you lose.  When you disagree you are asserting your ego and indicating that you may be superior. . .

If you insist on always winning an argument you end up with nothing more than you started with–except showing off your arguing ability. When you lose an argument you may well have gained a new point of view. Being right all the time is not the most important thing in the world and it is certainly not very beautiful.

A discussion should be a genuine attempt to explore a subject rather than a battle between competing egos. (p 5)


Can I watch an conversation in action to study good and bad conversational skills?

Answer: Watch this fascinating 2-hour conservation among four very clever minds–as long as you don’t mind having your religious beliefs challenged!

Sam Harris is my favorite conversationalist of the four. He’s so respectful and articulate and gentle that he naturally commands respect–in my opinion. He also asks excellent questions of the group, which adds value to the discussion. Christopher Hitchens has many excellent ideas, but his conversational skills aren’t perfect. Often he talks too long and talks over people and interrupts. Richard Dawkins talks very passionately–I find myself listening to him very easily. Dan Dennett is very interesting, but he’s not a naturally passionate speaker in this discussion.

Generally, the four guys were excellent taking turns and listening respectfully to each other. See what you think. The first hour is quite polite; the discussion gets quite spirited in the second hour, with lots of interesting dynamics happening.

Another good foursome displaying excellent conversational skills:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoCFTddNedk

How can I improve my conversational skills?

Answer: Watch these videos for some tips:

3 secrets of good conversation ( which may help you single guys win yourself  a nice girl!)

  1. wait 3 seconds before replying
  2. ask clarifying questions e.g. “how do you mean exactly?”
  3. talk less  and listen more

tips on mastering small talk at parties:

tips on how to meet strangers at a party:

What one thing could I do to become a better conversationalist?

Answer: (Probably) stop being a conversational narcissist!


What is a conversational narcissist?

From Wikipedia:

Conversational narcissism

Conversational narcissism is a term used by sociologist Charles Derber in his book, The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life.

Derber observed that the social support system in America is relatively weak, and this leads people to compete mightily for attention. In social situations, they tend to steer the conversation away from others and toward themselves. “Conversational narcissism is the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America,” he wrote. “It occurs in informal conversations among friends, family and coworkers. The profusion of popular literature about listening and the etiquette of managing those who talk constantly about themselves suggests its pervasiveness in everyday life.”

Here are two excellent blog articles illustrating the key points of conversational narcissism:

The Art of Conversation: How to Avoid Conversational Narcissism

Conversational Narcissism

Key questions to ask yourself during a conversation

  1. “Am I really open to changing my mind about this matter?”