How can I improve my conversational skills?

Answer: Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable!

How to disagree aggressively:

You are just stupid.

That is the silliest thing I have heard in a long time.

That is wrong.

That is poor logic.

I disagree with everything you have said.

How stupid can you be?

How to disagree more gently but still firmly voicing your disagreement:

I am not sure I follow your reasoning.

There may be another way of looking at it.

That is only one point of view.

How about this other possibility?

I think I have some doubts about your conclusion.

Maybe that is so, and maybe it is not so.

I can think of an alternative explanation.

My experience in working with young offenders is obviously not the same as yours. I found that. . .

(These good and bad examples are from Edward de Bono’s book How to Have a Beautiful Mind, p 14-15.)

Try gently spelling out the two differences in opinion, or spell out the reasons for the difference in opinion:

I think that raising prices will increase sales. You think that raising prices will reduce sales.

I believe that ‘thinking’ can be taught directly as a skill in school. You believe that you cannot teach thinking directly but can only pick up good thinking habits through studying other subjects.

You believe that severe punishment is the best way to control crime in all cases. I believe that giving youngsters an alternative way of sensing achievement will reduce crime amongst the young.

I believe you are looking at it from that point of view (specify). . . and I am looking at it from this point of view (specify). . .

We are looking at it in two different ways. This is my perception (specify)… and I believe your perception to be (specify). . .

The difference may just arise from personal preference. You like clever people and I prefer charming people.

We are using two sets of values. My values are as follows (specify). . . Your values seem to be (specify). . .

(from How to Have a Beautiful Mind by Edward de Bono, p 34- 35)


If all else fails and the discussion turn a bit testy, then smile and gently say:

“I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this point.”

President Obama demonstrating being a good model for “disagreeing without being disagreeable”: