Now that I’m older. . .

1. The little old lady I helped across the street is my wife.
2. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
3. “Getting lucky” means I found my car in the parking lot.
4. An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Groucho Marx Jokes

1. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well…I have others.
2. Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
3. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
4. What a hotel! The towels were so big and fluffy that I could hardly shut my suitcase.
5. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
6. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
7. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
8. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
9. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Dave Barry Jokes

1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: “meetings.”
2. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
4. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

Woody Allen Jokes

1. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
2. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve it through not dying.
3. My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
4. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
5. The only thing standing between me and greatness… is me.
6. Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. (Woody Allen)

Assorted

1. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. (Jerry Seinfeld)
2. I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
3. “I came. I saw. She conquered.” The original Latin seems to have been garbled. (Robert Heinlein)
4. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. (Peter Kay)
5. If at first you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy. (H. Duane Black)
6. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. (Oscar Wilde)
7. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. (Oscar Wilde)
8. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. (Douglas Adams)
9. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. (Douglas Adams)
10. In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. (Douglas Adams)
11. Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. ( Mark Twain)
12. Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. ( Mark Twain)
13. I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. ( Mark Twain)
14. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
15. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.  (W.C. Fields)
16. Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. (Albert Einstein)
17. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. (George Carlin)
18. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin)
19. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)
20. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. (Oscar Levant)
21. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.( Jerome K. Jerome)
22. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why God? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.” (Stephen King)
23. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. (George Burns)
24. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)
25. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. ( Winston S. Churchill)
26. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. ( Jack Handey)
27. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams)
28. The covers of this book are too far apart. (Ambrose Bierce)
29. The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families. ( Jay McInerney)
30. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. (Chuck Palahniuk)
31. In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. (Terry Pratchett)
32. Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician. (Lucille S. Harper)

Jokes by Anonymous

1. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
What a bore! That guy just wouldn’t stop listening to me.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Enough about me, let’s talk about you: what do you think of me?
“Do you know how to play the violin?” “I don’t know, I’ve never tried.”

Jokes about Stupid People

1. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.
2. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Woman-Putting-Down-Man  Jokes

1. What do you call a man with half a brain? A genius.
2. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man sees better than he thinks.
3. Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success.
4. Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

Bagging-Marriage Jokes

1. No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.  (Benjamin Disraeli)
2. Men have a much better time of it than women.  For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.  (H.L. Mencken)
3. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn’t.  (Anonymous)
4. Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.  Anonymous)
5. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.  And by then it was too late.  (Max Kauffman)
6. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.  (Mae West)
7. All marriages are happy.  It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.  (Raymond Hull)