Two funny jokes Bettina Arndt told in her book The Sex Diaries:

Albert Einstein arrives at the Pearly Gates. The good lord greets him and asks whether he has any questions.

“How did you create all this?  The animals, people, the whole world”, Einstein inquires.

God produced a blackboard and starts writing  an enormous equation, filling up the entire blackboard.

Einstein looks at it, frowns and shakes his head, saying, “But my Lord, there are so many mistakes”.

“You’re telling me”, God replies.

————-

The only cow in a small town in Victoria stopped giving milk. Eventually the townspeople found a replacement cow in Woy Woy, New South Wales, which proved a gem. It produced lots of milk and everybody was very happy. They decided to breed with it, so they bought a bull and put it out  in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close, the cow would move away. The people wre very upset and asked the local vet what to do.

“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away”, they said. “If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.”

The vet thought for a moment and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Woy Woy?”

The people were dumbfounded since they hadn’t mentioned where they had bought the cow.

“You  are truly a wise vet”, they said. “How did you  know we got the cow in Woy Woy?”

The vet replied, with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Woy Woy.”

—

other funny jokes

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?”

The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in
your other hand?”

“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll
be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, “I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish
me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?”

The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the chickens.”
————
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of
our days’.

Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign
from God! But you’re still at fault. Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens
it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….’

————–

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My G-d, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

—–

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?”
Wife: “I clean the toilet ..”
Husband: “How does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush!”

—–

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to the football game. At
the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis
buy just one ticket.

‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks one of
the Aussies.

‘Watch and learn,’ answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The three Aussies take their respective seats but all
three Kiwis cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after
the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, ‘Ticket, please. The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes
it and moves on.

The Aussies see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three Kiwis don’t buy any
ticket at all!!

‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ says one perplexed Aussie.

‘Watch and learn,’ answer the Kiwis.

When they board the train, the three Aussies cram themselves into a toilet, and
the three Kiwis cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after
the train is on its way, one of the Kiwis leaves his toilet and walks over
to the toilet in which the Aussies are hiding. The Kiwi knocks on their door
and says, ‘Ticket, please.