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Check your critic’s credibility before you accept their damning criticism

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Some wise words from David Burns  (author of multi-million copy, best-selling book Feeling Good) on dealing with other people’s judgements of us, good or bad:

Let’s consider your belief that it would be terrible if someone disapproved of you. Why does disapproval pose such a threat?. . .Suppose you were visiting the psychiatric ward of a hospital. A confused, hallucinating patient approaches you and says,

“You are wonderful. I had a vision from God. He told me the thirteenth person to walk through the door would be the Special Messenger. You are the thirteenth, so I know you are God’s Chosen One, the Prince of Peace, the Holy of Holies. Let me kiss your shoe.”

Would this extreme approval elevate your mood? You’d probably feel nervous and uncomfortable. That’s because you don’t believe what the patient is saying is valid. You discredit the comments. It is only your beliefs about yourself that can affect the way you feel. Others can say or think whatever they want about you, good or bad, but only your thoughts will influence your emotions.

. . .Imagine that you made a second visit to the psychiatric hospital ward. This time a different hallucinating patient approaches you and says,

“You’re wearing a red shirt. This shows you are the Devil! You are evil”

Would you feel bad because of this criticism and disapproval? Of course not. Why would these disapproving words not upset you? It’s simple–because you don’t believe that the statements are true. You must “buy into” the other person’s criticism–and believe that you are in fact no good–in order to feel bad about yourself.

Did it ever occur to you that if someone disapproves of you, it might be his or her problem? Disapproval often reflects other people’s irrational beliefs.

(from Feeling Good:The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, p 291-2)

Filed Under: emotional, handling other people's criticism of us, overcoming discouragement Tagged With: , , ,

How to overcome perfectionism when writing scientific papers

August 8, 2012 by Leave a Comment

from Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, p 379:

Another method for overcoming perfectionism is the ”greed technique.” This is based on the simple fact that most of us try to be perfect so we can get ahead in life. It may not have occurred to you that you might end up much more successful if your standards were lower. For example, when I started my academic career, I spent over two years writing the first research paper I published. It was an excellent product, and I’m still quite proud of it. But I noticed that in the same time period, many of my peers who were of equal intelligence wrote and published numerous papers. So I asked myself—am I better off with one publication that contains ninety-eight “units of excellence” or ten papers that are each worth 80 “units of excellence”? In the latter case, I would actually end up with 800 “excellence units,” and I would be way ahead of the game. This realization was a strong personal persuader, and I decided to lower my standards a bit. My productivity then became dramatically enhanced, as well as my levels of satisfaction.

How can this work for you? Suppose you have a task and you notice you’re moving slowly. You may find that you’ve already reached the point of diminishing returns, and you’d do better by moving on to the next task. I’m not advocating that you slough off, but you may find that you as well as others will be equally if not more pleased with many good, solid performances than with one stress-producing masterpiece.

Filed Under: career health, how to be a good social scientist academic, how to write more papers in less time, how to write scientific papers Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How can I liven up a dull conversation?

October 17, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Answer 2: If you’re stuck just talking trivia and you’d like to talk about something more interesting, try this bold solution!

From The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns (Burns is a well-respected psychiatrist and multi-million selling author specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy):

You can transform the most boring interactions into incredibly exciting ones within less than thirty seconds with a 100% success rate if you use this simple but bold technique:

Comment, in a tactful and friendly way, on the fact that you feel bored. Ask the other person if they feel the same way. That’s all you have to do!

If you’re chatting abut trivia with someone at a party and you’re crawling out of your skin, you could say: “Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get involved in really boring small talk at parties like this?”

They’d probably say yes. Then you could say, “Well, that’s how I feel right now {“I feel statement}. Do you feel the same way? {inquiry?}. We’re just talking about nothing at all. I don’t know why, because I’ll bet you’re an interesting person and I’d like to get to know you a little better {stroking}.

The moment you admit that you feel bored there will be a certain electricity in the air. It’s a fairly daring statement, and your boredom will be history. The compliment “I’ll bet you’re an interesting person” is included to reassure the other person that you don’t want to put them down and that you simply want to get to know them better (p 440).

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What do you think?

Do you think you could be brave enough to try this once before you died?!!

I think it’s brilliant. However, I’d definitely practice it a couple of times on someone safe before trying it out in the real world!

Filed Under: how to be a great conversationalist, how to liven up a dull conversation?, social Tagged With: , , ,