How can I form closer relationships with others?

Answer:  Believe you are worthy of forming close relationships with others.

I know that sounds very simplistic, but apparently our strong sense of unworthiness and shame stop us from allowing ourselves to get close to others.

Brené Brown explains it beautifully in this entertaining and  inspiring TED video.  Brené Brown is a  professor of social work who specializes in the study of shame, vulnerability, courage and connection.

Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability (20 minutes duration)

From the TED video blurb:

 Brene Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity.

Brené Brown describes her key research finding (slightly edited by me!):

If I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness–a strong sense of love and belonging–and folks who struggle for it–folks who are always wondering if they’re good enough–there was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it, and that was that the people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.

They believe they are worthy.

The hard thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection.

What the whole-hearted people living from a deep sense of worthiness had in common was a sense of courage. These folks simply had the courage to be imperfect.

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others because, as it turns out, we can’t practise being compassionate towards others if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.

And they had connection–and this was the hard part–as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you  absolutely have to do for that connection.

The last thing they had in common was this: they fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. 

And Brené Brown’s parting advice for us: 

To let ourselves be seen–deeply seen–vulnerably seen.

To love with our whole heart, even though there’s no guarantee.

To practise gratitude and joy.

To believe we are enough.