“A friend is a gift you give yourself.”
— Robert Louis Stevenson
“Did you know there is only one single characteristic that separates extremely happy people from “merely” happy people? They aren’t more grateful, kind, or compassionate. They aren’t more energized when they wake up in the morning (drinking the same amount of coffee as the rest of us). Rather, they possess an abundance of significant, meaningful, lasting relationships. That is, there are people they can confide in, call on during difficult times, and share joyous events that have absolutely nothing to do with them.” (from a post by Todd Kashdan).
Clearly, making close, caring friends is one of the best investments we can make. Yet most people don’t seem to actively pursue this goal. I’m not sure why. If our efforts pay off and we succeed in finding ourselves some wonderful friends, then our joy is immeasurable!
It’s not easy, of course! Here are some tips that might help you attract wonderful people into your life. I’ve written them in the “I” voice to make it sound like you are talking to yourself. It’s more persuasive that way!
To find a wonderful friend, I must:
1. Check my attitude. What message am I sending out to people? Do I sound confident and emotionally healthy, or do I sound needy and negative about myself? Here is a good message to send out to potential wonderful friends ( it’s from Steve and Shaaron Biddulph’s book the Making of Love )
‘I am me. I like myself. I like giving love, and I like receiving it. If you think you’re good enough, apply within.’
2. Put myself out there among the possibilities. I won’t meet wonderful friends walking between the TV and the kitchen every night. I need to get out to where people are. Say yes to all invites!
3. Believe it will happen – one day. Every day I must wake up with the thought, “today could be the day”. Smile at everyone; greet them heartily; be friendly. People meet wonderful friends in the strangest places. I could meet them on the train, in the checkout line, at an exercise class – anywhere!
4. Spend lots of time doing things I love – preferably outside the house! What are my interests? I need to pursue those interests enthusiastically and see who turns up. For example, I could join a running club, do a course, or attend a meditation retreat.
5. Recognise “deal-breakers” early on and exit fast. Not everyone is qualified to be a wonderful friend. High integrity is important; lack of it should be an early deal-breaker for me. In the long-term, I will enjoy spending time more with people who behave decently and are emotionally mature than with superficial charmers who break promises, tell lies, cheat, etc.
6. Make room in my life for a wonderful friend. Am I too busy to spend the time required to get to know someone well? Am I prepared to make time?
7. Have an open mind about who my wonderful friend might be. Wonderful friends can be anyone — old or young, male or female, gay or straight, or just like me or from an entirely different background or way of doing things. I mustn’t limit my choices with preconceived ideas.
8. Clean up my act. What flaws do I have that might put off a prospective wonderful friend? Can I get rid of these flaws — or at least tone them down a bit? If I don’t know what my irritating faults are, can I ask someone who will tell me?
9. Be a fun person to be with. People like fun, happy, positive people. I need to lighten up, smile a lot, laugh at myself when I stuff up, and be optimistic about things. A happy, smiling, fun me is heaps more attractive than a whining, negative, sad-sack me!
10 Spend as much time as possible being the “real me”. The real me is relaxed, poised and confident. The real me isn’t awkward and defensive and inhibited. I need to practise being the real me as often as possible so this behaviour becomes more natural. This way, when a special person comes along, I’ll be more comfortable being my authentic, relaxed, poised self than that creepy, gawky, inhibited imposter who posseses me when I get self-conscious!
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