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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
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A little girl was in a drawing lesson at school. She was six years old and sitting at the back of the class, drawing.
The teacher said, “This little girl hardly ever pays attention, but today she is.”
The teacher was fascinated so went over and asked, “What are you drawing?
The little girl said, “I’m drawing a picture of God.”
The teacher said, “But nobody knows what God looks like.”
The little girl said, “They will in a minute.” (told by Ken Robinson, creativity expert)
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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband’.
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me’.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
- The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.They said, “Is this your wife, sir?”Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”
- Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.The first one picks it up & says, “Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.”The second picks it up & says, “You daft bastard it’s me!”
- Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it’s upside down & throws it away.He carries on doing this until Murphy says, “Why are you throwing them away?””Because they’re upside down,” says Paddy.”You daft prat,” replies Murphy, “save ’em for the ceiling!!”
- One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love.His friend asked: ‘How come you never married?”Well,’ said Nasruddin, ‘to tell you the truth, I spend my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!’So, what happened?’ asked Nasruddin’s friend, ‘Why didn’t you marry her?’
Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. ‘Well,’ he replied, ‘it’s really the sad story of my life…. It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man…’ (Old Sufi tale)
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The wife was talking with the maid. “You know, I suspect my husband is having an affair with his secretary.” To which the maid replied, “I don’t believe it—you’re only saying it to make me jealous.” (told by Sanford I. Berman in a lecture entitled On the Teaching of General Semantics)
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It was lunchtime. The elderly clerk opened his sandwiches, looked at them, exclaimed bitterly, “Cheese sandwiches, always cheesesandwiches!”“Why don’t you ask your wife to fix you another kind of sandwich,” a colleague asked.“Who is married,” said the man, indignantly. “I make these sandwiches myself.” (told by Sanford I. Berman in a lecture entitled On the Teaching of General Semantics)
Funny jokes
April 28, 2011 by Leave a Comment
About Anne AustinI have created this website to show you simple, proven ways to improve all aspects of your life.
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